Today’s post refers to some brilliant writing by Steve Pavlina from his post here.
Why do they share this with me instead of you? Because they know they can trust me and that I wonít judge them for being who they are. Now doesnít it strike you as odd that your partner is able to trust me more than you in this area? All your non-acceptance is doing is pushing your partner away, causing him/her to seek open, honest communication with someone else. Shouldnít your partner be able to turn to you first? Drop the judgment and non-acceptance, and allow yourself to really listen to your partner, and your relationship will enjoy a renewed level of trust and intimacy.
but if you canít communicate openly and honestly about such an important topic with your partner, then how can you even justify staying with such a person? What sort of relationship do you even have if thereís no actual relating going on?
Naturally you should use your best efforts to get through to your partner and open a real dialog. Some resistance is to be expected, and it may take hours of patient listening to get past it. But if you have a committed, caring, compatible relationship, then ultimately your partner will be able to hear what you have to say and consider it. If it becomes clear you canít reach that point no matter how hard you try, itís time to think about leaving. Youíve likely outgrown your partner, and itís best to move on.
Is your partner your friend? Do you trust him/her completely? If so, then you should be able to discuss what matters to you openly and honestly, trusting that your partner cares about you enough to listen. If you canít reach that point even with your best efforts, then you must ask yourself, ďDoes my partner truly care about me as a human being? Does my partner truly want me to be happy? Is our relationship rooted in love and acceptanceÖ or fear and attachment? Do we have real love here, or have we become mired in fear?Ē
Remaining loyal to a fear-based relationship isnít noble or selfless. Itís simply cruel.
[ed note: emphasis is my own]
If you discover youíre in a relationship without a heart, please leave. I know that isnít easy, but you deserve to be happy, and so does your partner. If you genuinely care about your partner, give him/her the opportunity to wake up with a smile again. And give yourself that gift as well. If you canít wake up with a smile, then perhaps you arenít really awake yet.
Steve Pavlina has yet another post that is absolute dynamite!
My personal situation speaks volumes to this—
however, I take it to the opposite direction– I share nothing and isolate myself.
Being open & honest used to be the de facto way I would be/communicate…
Then came the restrictions and fear based requests- which I still honor to this day.
I willingly confine myself in a cage (of fear)– although, partially built from the fears of another– they still are the bars I choose to stay in.
I am at a point where I am very conflicted– willingly stay confined in the name of love (or is it really fear, control and lack?) — or return to what seemed more natural, open & honest with all whom I encounter…regardless of the fear or consequences.
Boundaries are the core issue, I think–
I want to respect another’s boundaries– but yet, their boundaries require me to be so very restrictive of my (lack of) boundaries…
Compatibility aside, while I do espouse the virtue of unconditional love, and do my humanly best to execute the concept– at what point, in the name of non-judgment and total acceptance, am I seriously damaging myself?
It’s likely an ego thing– but, doesn’t loving someone in spite of their preferences, fears, flaws and personal demons, preclude the needs of ‘egoic self’?
Or perhaps, I am talking sacrificial love or even martyrdom?
Ultimately, I think this involves a conversation with the other person in the relationship–
and, in their essence – of BEing themselves, they do not appear to be open and abel to allow honest & truthful communication– then the ultimate answer is, Love them– unconditionally, but love them enough to let them enjoy their life without you.