Things change

This has been a very turbulent week for me.

A long-time friend decided to essentially un-friend me.

This is the third time in three years I've had someone, whom I considered a good friend, tell me I was otherwise.

I say this not as a victim, but as an observer.

He made his mind up about who I was, what I was doing and why, and there was no discussing it.
While I do appreciate that he was forthcoming, I suspect he held back his truest feelings (possibly to avoid hurting me, or perhaps just because).

I took it a lot better than the previous two.

It was painful, and I did require grieving time–
however, in the end, it was a choice he decided was necessary for himself– and I must honor and respect that.

I have come to terms that I, in my worst display of humanity, have not entirely made friendship maintenance as high a priority as I once did–
and that is a choice I made, given the circumstances and events in my life.
which were also of my choosing.

Naturally, sometimes things happen– and this was one of those times.

I am journaling here, even though he may choose to read it– but making 'friends only', as I have made other choices and agreements which I must honor- by not being totally open as I once was.

Heralding this change comes another-
actually, it's been ongoing for some time, however I've chosen not to share for reasons of my own…

My wife & I are having marital difficulties.
We've been 'stuck' over a particular issue that we both are at an impasse about.
The relationship, as a result, is ever so torturously dying.

Things change.
However, her expressed point of view and conclusions about a behavior I exhibit (but which, I don't believe has the meaning or intensity that she is assigning to it) are no longer something I wish to endure.

we've counseled- multiple ways.

We've prayed.
We've discussed.
She's attempted to force change upon me- with threats, domination and outright manipulation.

I've been through many trials these past few years–trials I've been so isolated to speak on, even with therapy- as I cannot truly express the level of control and force she has attempted upon me.

I've had to struggle with pain, lack of confidence, depression, fear, and now lingering bitterness.

In short-
I'm not really much the person I used to be [in my opinion]–
and have lots of pieces scattered in places I do not wish to return to.

I love her,
but the opportunity to really *be who I AM* seems to be a not very present possibility.

I feel I've basically had to filter myself through her lens of 'acceptability', which is primarily colored by her own insecurities, pains and angers.
The warning signs were there- but I blindly charged ahead.
She definitely told me, however subtly, she did not accept me for who I was- if we were to be romantically involved…
I can never be sure she truly accepted me when she was my friend.
Now, however, she is not really that to me- nor I that for her.

I have not gone untouched by this process.

I cannot even go into the fiscal consequences of going into business, and the results of various choices and conditions of the currnet market that have done a lot to our situation as well.

I am alive-
I trust that The Universe will provide for me and love me in spite of my new, profound, brokenness.

And that's all I have.

But the funy bit is,
that's really all I need.


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