Nondescript heading [if you can read this, then respect the trust i've given]

a very rare, filtered, entry-please respect and trust the sanctity of what you are about to read:

I don't make my wife feel safe.

This translates into me jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop after hoop to try to please her, but I am constantly not making the grade.

I talk to her wrong, I talk to the children wrong, she has flat out told me she doesn't respect that I'm a man, let alone that I can lead like a man…

We have…

I don't feel like I can express myself, or communicate without her blowing up on me, or invalidating the feelings I try to share.
Which, in turn, means that I don't feel safe with her– safe enough to trust that she'd actually listen and respect what I have to say [particularly about my feelings concering her or us].

I've tried some therapy, but I only ever come away with the feeling that I'm completely in the wrong, and am unwilling to change–

when I feel like I've changed practically everything about me,
certainly enough that quite a few of my real-life 'best' friends have chosen to no longer even associate with me.

I'm really just venting–
It's really sad, because I feel lif she found out about this entry, I'd have to face more of the same.

Of course, I'm being a coward about this–except she demands that her privacy be retained, and considering the things going on in our lives (which, for privacy reasons, I can never share with anyone), all I can do is comply.

I can choose to feel trapped (which i do, sometimes)
I can choose other…
however, my choices still involve me appearing aloof, distant and non-responsive…to people I love, respect and cherish.

I am confessing to:
being selfish
being judgmental
being withholding (!)
being ungrateful
being depressed
being unhappy
being unwilling to stick up for myself
being a coward (ouch, that hurts)
being a victim

I am human.
I am loving.
I am kind.
I am caring.
I am deserving of love.
I am going to rely upon God (the Universe) to provide guidance.

I release these fears and anxieties, and no longer going to be a victim of, or a slave to, them.

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