The Role of Governemnt (satire/political humor)

SATIRE/HUMOR: The True Nature of Government
by Anonymous

I think it is very important that we teach our
children about the true nature of government. Now, at
last, there is a way to give your children a basic
civics course right in your own home!

In my own experience as a father, I have discovered
several simple devices that can illustrate to a
child's mind the principles on which the modern state
deals with its citizens.

You may find them helpful too.

For example, I used to play the simple card game WAR
with my son. After a while, when he thoroughly
understood that the higher ranking cards beat the
lower ranking ones, I created a new game I called
GOVERNMENT. In this game, I was Government, and I won
every trick, regardless of who had the better card. My
boy soon lost interest in my new game, but I like to
think it taught him a valuable lesson for later in
life.

When your child is a little older, you can teach him
about our tax system in a way that is easy to grasp
and will allow him to understand the benefits. Offer
him, say, $10 to mow the lawn. When he has mowed it
and asks to be paid, withhold $5 and explain that this
is income tax.

Give $1 of this to his younger brother, who has done
nothing to deserve it, and tell him that this is
“fair” because the younger brother 'needs money too'.
Also, explain that you need the other $4 yourself to
cover the administrative costs of dividing the money
and for various other things you need.

Make him place his $5 in a savings account over which
you have authority. Explain that if he is ever
naughty, you will remove the money from the account
without asking him. Also explain how you will be
taking most of the interest he earns on that money,
without his permission. Mention that if he tries to
hide the money, this, in itself, will be evidence of
wrongdoing and will result in you automatically taking
the money from him.

Conduct random searches of his room in the small hours
of the morning. Burst in unannounced. Go through all
of his drawers and pockets. If he questions this,
tell him you are acting on a tip-off from a chum of
his who casually mentioned that you had both earned a
bit of spare cash last week. If you find it,
confiscate all of that money and also take his stereo
and television. Tell him you are selling these and
keeping the money to compensate you for having to make
the raid. Also lock him in his room for a month as
further punishment.

When he cries at the injustice of this, tell him he is
being “selfish” and “greedy” and only interested in
looking after his own happiness. Explain that he
should learn to sacrifice his own happiness for other
people and that since he cannot be relied upon or
trusted to do this voluntarily, you will use force to
ensure he complies. Later in life he will thank you.

Make as many rules as possible. Leave the reasons for
them obscure. Enforce them arbitrarily. Accuse your
child of breaking rules you have never told him about
and carefully explain that ignorance of your rules is
not an excuse for breaking them. Keep him anxious
that he may be violating commands you haven't yet
issued. Instill in him the feeling that rules are
utterly irrational. This will prepare him for living
under a democratic government.

He is too young to understand the benefits of
democracy, so explain this wonderful system as
follows:

You, your wife and his brother get together and vote
that your son should have all privileges removed, be
caned, and confined to his room for a week. If he
protests that you are violating his rights, patiently
explain his error and tell him that the majority have
voted for this punishment and nothing matters except
the will of the majority.

When your child has matured sufficiently to understand
how the judicial system works, set a bedtime for him
of, say, 10 p.m. and then send him to bed at 9 p.m.
When he tearfully accuses you of breaking the rules,
explain that you made the rules and you can interpret
them in any way that seems appropriate to you,
according to changing conditions.

Promise often to take him to the movies or the zoo,
and then, at the appointed hour, recline in an easy
chair with a newspaper and tell him you have changed
your plans. When he screams, “but you promised!”,
explain to him that it was a campaign promise and
hence meaningless.

Every now and then, without warning, slap your child.
Then explain that this is self-defense. Tell him that
you must be vigilant at all times to stop any
potential enemy before he gets big enough to hurt you.
This, too, your child will appreciate, not right at
that moment, maybe, but later in life.

If he finds this hard to accept, you can further
illustrate the point as follows. Take him on a trip
across town with you, to a strange neighborhood. Walk
into any random house you choose and start sorting out
their domestic problems, using violence if that is
what is required.

Make sure you use overwhelming force to crush the
family into submission — this avoids a protracted
visit and becoming involved for long periods of time.
Explain to your son that only a coward stands idly by
whilst injustice is happening across town. Tell him we
are all brothers and problems left to fester will
eventually spill over into your neighborhood. Use
some of the $5 you took from your son as bus fare and
to purchase a baseball bat.

Drink a bottle of whisky and then lecture him on the
evils of smoking dope. If he points out your hypocrisy
remind him that the majority of people drink and that,
as already explained, the needs of the majority are
the only moral standard.

Break up any meeting between him and more than three
of his mates as being an 'unlawful gathering'.

Mark one designated spot in the yard where he can
leave his bike. If he leaves it anywhere else,
padlock it and demand $50 to release it. If he
offends more than three times, confiscate the bike,
sell it, and keep the money.

Install a CCTV(Closed Circuit Television) camera in
your son's bedroom and also record all his telephone
conversations. If he protests, accuse him of having
something to hide. Explain that only criminals seek
privacy and that good, dutiful children relinquish
their privacy in exchange for the advantages which
protective parenthood offers. Remind him of the boy
across town who was caught smoking dope in his bedroom
by just such a CCTV system, and explain that this case
justifies installing CCTV in all teenagers' bedrooms.

Lie to your child constantly. Teach him that words
mean nothing — or rather that the meanings of words
are continually “evolving”, and may be tomorrow the
opposite of what they are today.

Have a word with his teachers at school and ask them
to share any merit marks your son achieves, with any
ethnic minority students who did not get any merit
marks. If he questions this policy, explain that long
ago we abused the ancestors of these people, and so it
is only fair that he shares the merits around to
compensate their descendants.

This is also probably a good time to tell him that his
energy, talent and enthusiasm will not secure him a
job if the quota of such 'abused' people has not yet
been filled. Tell him talent stands for nothing — it
is fairness and sharing which are important. Remind
him that his primary duty is the happiness and welfare
of people he does not know, and will never meet.

Ban cutlery from your home and make your son eat with
his fingers. If he asks why, remind him of the youth
who stabbed a cat to death last week with a fork.
Explain that if just one cat is saved by the banning
of cutlery, then this prohibition will be worthwhile.
If he protests, question him closely about why he is
intending to kill innocent cats, or accuse him of
being a cat hater.

Issue him with a pass card which he must show before
he can enter the house. Stand guard at the front door.
When he comes home, politely but firmly take him into
the spare room and question him about his movements.
Ask him how much cash he has on his person. If in
excess of $50, confiscate the lot as it exceeds the
house rule for maximum cash allowed.

Then search his rucksack and pockets. To keep him
guessing, do the occasional strip search. If he
protests, detain him for longer and make the search
more thorough. If he gets really angry at this, hold
him in a locked room until he
misses his next outing or party.

If these methods sound harsh, I am only being cruel to
be kind. I think it is important for children to
understand the nature of the society in which we live.

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