More realizations…

I had opportunity to relate and interact with more than a few people over the weekend, which is good considering how withdrawn and anti-social I may have appeared to many who know me (or recently acquainted themselves with me).

This might be a great primer for anyone 'new' to the world of Phil:

Quality of contact is more important than quantity.

I am losing the desire to interact on anything resembling a 'superficial level'.
I don't want to place a value judgment on this, as this will cut in at least two ways.
I'm becoming more abstract & distanced/detached I suppose. Which can also mean I'm not being as mindful of the here & now as I'd prefer to be. Not being mindful can remove me from experiences and actions that I would find genuinely helpful. Yet being [at least slightly] detached can help me keep certain things in proper perspective.

I had several semi-deep interactions with some of the closer friends, and enjoyed those.
I had several not deep at all interactions with strangers, friends and even family. It seems that while I understand not all contact can be deep- there will always be those who aren't open to the possibility, even when I attempt depth. All I can do is accept, and remain who I am, in spite of these situations.

I present a challenge to those who try to be my friend.

I've known this one for awhile. Truly.
I should probably hand out little business cards to people who want to get to know me:

WARNING- I will do things, and BE in ways that will make you question who you are and why you behave in certain ways. Don't take it personally. Feel free to perform self-examinations when these moments arise. You may find them beneficial experiences, if you stay open to them.

Although that sounds a bit arrogant [anyone care to offer a re-write?], I've gotten plenty of feedback that affirms this is indeed the case.

Case in point: no less than 4 interactions over the weekend alone had the conversant admitting that I create difficult reactions [or make painfully insightful observations/questions] regarding how they view themselves and their situations.

I have alienated and even lost past friends with this ability. I may be alienating current friends and acquaintances, even now..I hope not, but it does happen.

I try never to be rude- just open, honest and maybe a bit more direct or forward than people are comfortable with…
Hard to say. Goodness knows my 'diplomatic skills' have increased over the years as a result of all this.

Luckily, the people who decide to examine whatever it is that makes them uncomfortable, tend to discover something new about themselves and can positively work through that finding.
This usually causes a nice deepening in the way we relate.

Sometimes though, I guess this 'talent' (for lack of a better word) helps push people away. Maybe it makes them run, or even chases them? I always feel sad when this is the case; everyone has their own path, and must do what they feel is correct for them.

To those whom I've pushed/chased away-
I'm very sorry for anything I've done to make you uncomfortable.
I hope one day whatever I did or said can be reconciled- and that growth and healing accompanies you wherever you are.

I'm In Love. I'm With Love. I Am Love.

This is the hardest one to really communicate.
I don't try verbally, unless you read my poetry…
I more try to show with my actions (when I'm being mindful, at least).

Love(*), caring and compassion have always been strong elements of me.
I do things, behave in certain ways, -AM-, as a direct result of this.
I know this scares people. Especially ones who aren't accustomed to interacting with someone who is this way.

Love is so present in me, it's hard to really explain.

It is like I'm a cup, I can feel it pouring into me- and I feel very full. I think to myself, “whoah- you're about to pour too much! Stop please.”
But it doesn't stop.
And I don't feel like I'm drowning.
In fact- it seems like I can redirect it.
So I do.
I just want to share everything that comes to me, spread it around- help others to taste this delicious elixir.

Sometimes they sip, then spit it out- other times they gulp thirstily.
I just accept that I tried, and it's their choice what they do and how they behave from my actions.

If I'm very lucky, I inspire them to open up to Love- and I watch or even help them become more capable of receiving and giving in return.

Funny thing is, Love's all already here…but many are too closed to allow it to happen, or see it.
I know I was. I try not to close back up in difficult moments…
It's hard, but I'm getting better with practice.

* – Just for the record, I'm not talking SEX or LUST or physical expressions of Love (or more to the point-biology)…Please don't think I'm advocating 'free-sex' or such things, ok? goodness knows that's all I need-
You folks thinking I'm not only crazy (too late for that, I bet)- but I'm a complete satyriasis sex addict or somethng…

on an unrelated note-
I hope to return to balance soon, so I can manifest my sense of humor again. I've been so serious lately.

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